The Fish (Schindleria Praematurus)

DEAR FOXY
(advice straight from da fox's snout)

Dear Foxy,

I was, until recently, a media personality with a penchant for shocking my audience. My current non-employed status is now becoming quite boring. Do you have any advice for me regarding this condition?

D. Imustasaidsomethingwrong in Iowa


Da Fox replies:

Dear D. in Iowa - It seems to me you've been given a golden opportunity to explore some new paths in life. My advice to you is to drive north of the border, find a good lake, and do some fishing. While you're at it, ask if they are hiring at the bait shops you visit. Don't worry about any possible stigma from your previous life, neither fish nor fishermen care about shock-jocks, anyway.


Dear Foxy,

I'm a single lady who is currently dating a nice man whom I like very much. All would be fine and dandy except that occasionally I feel that he doesn't respect me as much as I need him to. If you could be of help here, I would greatly appreciate it.

Downtrodden in Detroit Lakes


Da Fox replies:

Dear Downtrodden - My advice to you is to have him take you fishing. If you catch more or bigger fish than him you'll almost certainly gain his respect. If you don't, well, at least you went fishing. If he won't take you fishing or doesn't fish, he ain't worth your time. There are plenty of other fish in the lake, if you catch my drift.


Dear Mr. Fox:

I've recently relocated to a very nice lakeshore house, my family and I moving there to escape the big city. Last week, a local developer approached my new neighbors and I offering to buy up our places and turn the properties into a shopping mall. None of us liked that idea, but he kept insisting that the local economy needed the boost. Since he's the town's mayor, he also threatened to use imminent domain if we didn't sell. I know that you can't fight city hall, but shouldn't the neighbors and I organize some sort of resistance to his bullying? We'd be grateful for any help, here.

Hot in Hector


Da Fox replies:

Dear Hot - Hmmm, I really had to think about this, but I believe that I can help you. Get your neighbors together and offer up this simple plan:

1. Plan a neighborly night fishing expedition and invite the developer/Mayor.
2. Get 2 pontoon boats and fill one of them with rocks and 50 feet of rope.
3. Take aforementioned mallplanner out with most of you in the other pontoon boat. Make sure nobody mentions the first boat.
4. Have the other pontoon boat meet you in the middle of the lake.
5. Grab the greedy bastard and tie him up, use the rocks as anchors, and toss his worthless ass into the lake.
6. Elect a new mayor who won't fuck with the fishing.

This plan not only eliminates one ding-dong politician, it also improves the quality of fishing in the lake because the leeches and minnows that gamefish eat just love to feed on the foolish. You can thank me later.


Yo Dere Fox,

Last year fer da walleye opener me an a few udder guys was up ta Vermillion. We was havin' a purdy good time and catchin' a lodda good fish. I had just hooked a nice un when, all of er sudden, my koddamn cell goes off, an a course it's da ol' lady. She sez dat her dad hadda major sunovabitchin stroke and kakked rite den and dere and we hadda go to da funeral. So I hadda leave or she was gonna come up an git me. Anyways, wit da opener nex' week, I was wonderin' if you could gimme some help so's dat don' happen no more, eh?

Callstopper in Coleraine


Da Fox replies:

Dear Calls - Sorry to hear about last year's fiasco, I know how good Lake Vermillion can be for the opener. I think I can help you. I tried this a few years ago, if it worked for me, it'll probably work for you, too. Bring along an extra minnow bucket half-filled with water. When you get ready to go fishing, put the cell in the minnow bucket. That way, if the damn thing goes off, you can't hear it. Best of luck to you this year!!


To Mr. Fox:

Lately, I've noticed that there is somebody out there imitating me with a newspaper column that gives advice to people who write in their problems. My problem is that this imitator (who shall remain nameless) always gives the same answer no matter how serious a problem it is for the letter-writer. Whatever the problem, this 'advice-person' tells them to go fishing. I don't get it.

Abby Lander in Atwater


Da Fox replies:

Dear Ab in Atwater - Of course you don't get it, obviously because you've never been fishing. Go fishing, and you will know. 'Nuff said.



DEAR FOXY IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY FOXYCORP, TM, INC., LTD. - THE MAKERS OF FINE FISHING BOATS, MOTORS, LINES, LURES, ANCHORS, AND SUNDRY FISHING EQUIPMENT. THE SPONSOR AND THIS LOCAL BLOG ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTENT BECAUSE THEY'RE OUT FISHING