Dear Mr. Fantasy play us a tune - something to make us all happy. . . .
- Winwood/Capaldi/Wood
DISCLAIMER: The following story is total fantasy. Any resemblence between it and any other movie is purely coincidental. :) Also, this may not be suitable for nonsubmariners because you probably won't understand an awful lot. (No offense) Sub sailors, however. . . .
Oh, and it has a lot of naughty language.
THE COB OF THE COCC
I
Once upon a time, in the land of Minnesota, there lived a fox. One day, the fox and his bud were scoping out the local chicken coops for dinner. It was a bright, sunny day, and very hot.
"Sure seems hotter'n a vixen's tits, bud," said the fox; and his bud nodded and panted, "Yeah, damn right. We better wait until it cools down a little before we go after them chickens, eh?"
"Ya ya, pretty much." replied the fox. "Say, what the hell is that?"
Just then the sky darkened and a large, nasty-looking cloud began to form. It grew and grew and seemed to be coming straight at the fox and his bud. They contemplated this for a little while before the fox said, "Say, bud, you don't think that's one of them there piece-of-shit tornadoes, do you?"
"Fuck, I hope not." said his bud, "We better keep an eye on this." The cloud kept growing and getting darker as they watched. Suddenly, the air got very still and quiet. Then all hell broke loose as a funnel came out of the cloud and right at the fox and his bud.
They both screamed, "Run!!!!" and they did, as dirt began to fly and the grass laid flat as a pancake. The fox ran as hard as he could but the twister kept coming closer and closer and the wind roared louder than he'd ever heard before. "Shiiiiiit!!!! Heeeeeeelp!!!" screamed the fox, as the force of the wind began to lift him into the air and fling him about like a rag. He looked for his bud, only to see him get hurled into a nearby silo and then fall to the ground, unmoving. "Nnnnnoooooo!!!" screamed the fox, "I don't wanna die!!" But he couldn't even hear himself above the tempest. He had never felt more helpless and scared in his life. He closed his eyes and felt hard things crashing into him, a brief moment of pain, and then everything went black.
II
The next thing the fox knew, he was standing on something much softer than Minnesota soil. Shaking his head to clear his senses, he checked himself. Except for a headache, there was no pain, and he noted four legs and a bushy tail - everything seemed to be ok. Something wasn't quite right, though. Looking around, the fox didn't recognize anything familiar at all. Looking down, he noticed that he was standing on something that looked like a human. Jumping off, he sniffed at it from one side. It didn't move, but just then the fox heard a noise nearby. He looked up and saw something coming towards him. Then he noticed that, whatever it was, it wasn't alone. They came nearer, and more of them began to appear, making the fox worry; but he also noticed that they seemed to be a bit afraid of him and weren't moving too fast or in a threatening manner. They looked like small humans, but not like human kits - more like mature humans, only about half the normal size. Except for their heads and forepaws, they were blue with white hindpaws, which was, like other humans the fox had seen, what they walked on. Then one of them spoke.
"You, you, you k-killed the evil Eoow of Er!" it said, as the others gathered about with their eyes very wide.
The fox thought quickly and replied, "Umm, ahh, well, that was an accident. What the fuck is an evileeyowuver, anyway? and who the fuck are you?"
The fox was getting more worried, as there seemed to be an awful lot of these creatures, and they were getting pretty close. He sidled a step or two for room and bumped into something he hadn't noticed before. It looked like a bunch of paper with pictures on it. The creatures were talking amongst themselves.
"You must be a very powerful wizard to have killed the evil Eoow of Er!" said the one who had spoken before. "We are the subkins, and we thank you for liberating us, oh great wizard!"
"Look!" said another, "It's the latest issue of AssMasters magazine!! For sure the evil Eoow of Er is dead, he would never go anywhere without that."
"Tis true tis true," said the first one, who appeared to the fox to be their leader. "The evil Eoow of Er always kept it under his cover."
"He must be a great and powerful wizard, indeed!" chimed in a third subkin.
"Well, ummm-" began the fox.
"This requires a celebration!" said the subkin leader, "in honor of this great and powerful wizard - ummm what is your name?"
"Fox."
"Ahem, Fox, yes," he continued, "in honor of the wizard Fox who has saved us all from the evil Eoow of Er!!!!!"
"Yes, yes, a celebration! Thank you wizard Fox." said another.
"Party time!!" said a third.
As this was happening, even more subkins had gathered around. They grabbed the fox and, rather clumsily, lifted him up into the air, and then they all began to sing:
Ding dong the Eoow is dead
was a prick
had no dick
ding dong the evil Eoow is dead!!
ding dong the Eoow is dead
was a jerk
made us work
ding dong the evil Eoow is dead!!
ding dong the Eoow is dead
was a snitch
and a bitch
ding dong the evil Eoow is dead!!
ding dong the Eoow is dead
gave us shit
now he's quit
ding dong the evil Eoow is dead!!
ding dong the Eoow is dead
he was so slack
now he ain't jack
ding dong the evil Eoow is dead!!
ding dong the Eoow is dead
made us dink
now we think
ding dong the evil Eoow is dead!!
ding dong the Eoow is dead
fucked us all
now we call
DING DONG THE EVIL EOOW IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!
While they were singing, the fox was assessing his situation. He no longer feared the subkins, as they appeared to be more Bozos than dangerous, to him. They were terrible singers, and he wondered if they'd taken singing lessons from Bob Dylan. The fox also realized that he was no longer in Minnesota - this place was just too strange - and that thought bothered him considerably. He'd been told, by other foxes older than him, about places outside of Minnesota, like Wisconsin. "No chickens - just cows," was what they'd said. The thought made him shudder. He was also beginning to get hungry. These thoughts brought up many, many important questions that the fox needed answers for. He realized that he had to get back home because he had chickens to catch and vixens to chase. Maybe these pimple-brains could help him out with all of that, he thought.
Just when it seemed as if the subkins were going to launch into another set of verses, the fox determined that he had had enough of this shit. "PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW, YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!!" he shouted as loud as he could. This stopped them dead in their tracks, and he heard one of them whisper, "He must be a powerful wizard - he even speaks like my chiefy." They somewhat clumsily placed him back on the deck, and the fox turned toward thier leader. "Ya ya, now, that's better. Say, I've got a few questions, there, doofus, that I was wondering if you could help me with, eh?"
"Anything you ask, oh great and wonderful wizard Fox." said the leader, glancing at the dead evil Eoow of Er as the other subkins repeatedly picked up and dropped first one leg and then the other. "Dead for sure," they whispered amongst themselves. One of them began paging through the AssMasters magazine.
"Ummm, yeah," began the fox, "first of all, I'm not from around here - can you tell me where the hell I am right now?"
"Why, this is the land of Er, wizard Fox." replied the leader.
"Ahh, yeah, that's real helpful, there, dingus, can you tell me how far this land of Er is from, say, Minnesota? That's the place I call home, and I'd kind of like to get back - I got shit to do, eh."
The subkins looked at each other with quizzical expressions - it was a few minutes before the leader said, "We have never heard of this land of, land of, minnn eee soda. I, myself, am qualified in the land of Cocc, and that word is completely unfamiliar to me."
Shit, this is getting complicated, thought the fox; more questions than answers. He tried again, "Land of Cocc, eh, I thought you said this was the land of Er?"
"Why, the land of Er is a part of the land of Cocc, oh wondrous and savvy wizard Fox." said the leader.
"Verily, Er is the largest and most important land in the land of Cocc." added the subkin behind him.
"Deed 'tis," said the leader, nodding. Then, after a slight pause for thought, "You know, most worthy and honorable wizard Fox, I think I know a way that we can help you find this, this,"
"Minnesota," the fox interrupted, for brevity.
"Yes, this Minnesota-land." he continued nonplussed. "Within the land of Cocc, there are many wizards, some more powerful than others. Some, like the evil Eoow of Er, are," and he smiled broadly, "I mean were, very bad. However, many are good. Of all the wizards of the land of Cocc, there is none more powerful than the Cob of the Cocc. If anyone in the land of Cocc can help you, wizard Fox, it is he."
"Verily, verily, the Cob of the Cocc can do ANYTHING!" said the one behind him.
"Indeed," continued the leader, "What's more, the Cob of the Cocc should be very happy to hear of the death of the evil Eoow of Er. Here -" he grabbed the AssMasters magazine from the now profusely-drooling subkin, deftly thwacking him the head as he did so, "you will need this. This is the latest copy of AssMasters. Give this to the Cob of the Cocc, and he will know that the evil Eoow of Er is dead. He should be more than willing to help a fellow wizard like yourself, Fox," and he handed the fox the magazine.
"Tis most true," said another subkin, "the Cob of the Cocc holds any bringer of the latest issue of AssMasters in the highest of regard!"
Then, as if one, the subkins, again badly, broke into song:
The Cob of the Cocc! The Cob of the Cocc!
He's the one who rock! He'll fix the time on your clock!
The Cob of the Cocc!
The Cob of the Cocc! The cob of the Cocc!
He's made of sturdy stock! You better go talk!
To the Cob of the Cocc!
The fox had been thinking that he was finally getting somewhere with these geeks, but the singing was giving him more of a headache. Additionally, he had more questions. "JESUS H. CHRIST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" he bellowed over their cavalcade. This they did, and about a half-dozen of them fainted at the same time, the rest cringing at his words. The fox addressed the leader again, "Ya ya, ok, I have this Cob of the Cocc fellow to see, I gotcha there. Just how the fuck am I supposed to find him?"
"Well," the leader began, "it is a long and perilous journey from the land of Er, but a wizard of your stature shouldn't have too much of a problem getting there. The Cob of the Cocc lives with the other chiefy-wizards in the land of Goat." Then, he pointed downward. "Just follow the yellow-gilt deckplate!"
"Yes, follow the yellow-gilt deckplate!" said another.
"Follow the yellow-gilt deckplate!" chimed a third.
"Follow follow follow follow," they all began singing badly again.
"SHUDDAP, GODDAMMIT!" the fox roared, his headache worsening. They did, a few more fainting this time. He tried the leader again, "Ahh, thanks for the help, but I have one more question. You see, I'm kinda hungry and was wondering if there were any chickens around here; or, for that matter, anything at all to eat?"
"No problem there, oh benevolent wizard Fox, you can find chow in Galley-land, it's right on the way to the land of Goat. Just flash the magazine at the cook - he'll set you up. Like I said before, just follow the -"
"Ya ya, tiddlywink, I got that part down already." said the fox, attempting to cut off any more singing. He looked down and noted a yellow line on the ground and thought that it can't be that tough. I better git before they start that damn singing again. Then he remembered his manners.
"Umm, hey, ahhh, thanks for the help, eh." he said, turning to address them all.
"No, thank YOU, oh humble and most respectful wizard Fox." said the leader, kicking the dead evil Eoow of Er in the head one more time to make sure.
"Indeed, thank YOU, wizard Fox." intoned another.
"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you" they began singing again. Too late! the fox had already amscrayed, leaving thier cacophonous din behind him.
III
The fox hadn't gone far down the yellow-gilt path before he came upon another of the subkin creatures. This one was alone, and looked very forlorn - clutching a piece of paper in one of his forepaws.
"Whassup with you, dickless?" asked the fox, trying to sound nice - his headache giving him quite the attitude.
The creature looked at the fox vacantly and replied, "I'm dink."
"Well, ummm, Dink, you don't sing, do you?" the fox had had more than enough of that.
"No, no, my name isn't Dink, it's Etnuke. I'm not qualified to sing - say, can you give me a checkout?" and he waved the paper at the fox.
"Ah, um, no, I don't have any of those," replied the fox, "but I do have this" and he showed him the AssMasters magazine.
Etnukes eyes widened. "My goodness gracious sakes alive! You must be going to see the Cob of the Cocc!" exclaimed Etnuke.
Works like a charm thought the fox.
"Why, I'm also on my way to see the Cob of the Cocc." he continued, "You see, my chiefy says that I have no brain."
Seems to be a common thing around here thought the fox.
"The Cob of the Cocc is a great and powerful wizard, I am going to see him to see if he will help me get a brain. Can I tag along with you? I would be greatly appreciative, ah, umm, ah what's your name?"
"Fox." said the fox.
"Thank you Fox, I would be greatly appreciative if I could go with you to see the Cob of the Cocc."
The fox thought about this for a bit, debating whether or not brainless here would be good company. Then he thought that Etnuke might actually know his way around here better then he did. That clinched it.
"Sure, Etnuke, you can come with me. No singing, though, eh." said the fox.
"No problem there, Fox; let's go!" replied Etnuke, quite heartily.
That they did.
Only a short distance later they ran into another subkin - again looking very sad and holding a piece of paper in his forepaw.
"Who put a crink up your ass, sunshine?" asked the fox, nicely.
"I'm dink." was it's reply.
"Me too." said Etnuke. "What's your name?"
"Mmnuke." it said, sadly. "Can either of you give me a checkout?"
"Sorry can't help you there," said Etnuke. "I'm Etnuke, and this is Fox, Mmnuke."
Thinking quickly, the fox asked, "You don't sing, do you Mmnuke?"
"No," replied Mmnuke, "My chiefy says I have no talent."
That also seems to be common around here thought the fox.
"Well," the fox continued, "we're going to see the Cob of the Cocc, maybe he can help you." and he flashed the magazine again.
With jaw agape, Mmnuke replied, "My goodness gracious sakes alive and a half! The Cob of the Cocc! Yes, I'm sure he can help me too. May I please join you?"
Etnuke looked at the fox, who answered after a short period of thought, "Sure, eh, what the fuck."
"Thank you very kindly Fox and Etnuke. Let's roll!"
And that they did.
It wasn't long before the trio came upon yet another subkin; again looking like somebody had driven over his puppy and holding a piece of paper in his forepaw.
"What the fuck's your problem, shitstain?" said the fox, again nicely.
"I'm dink."
"So are we." said Etnuke, indicating himself and Mmnuke. "What's your name?"
What is this dink shit thought the fox.
"Icnuke."
"Well, Icnuke, I'm Etnuke, this is Mmnuke, and this is Fox."
"That's nice." said Icnuke, "can any of you give me a checkout?"
"Now hold it just one minute, dammit," interjected the fox, "just what the hell does 'dink' and 'checkout' mean?"
All three turned to face the fox with amazed looks on their faces. After a few seconds, Etnuke answered, "Gee, Fox, dink is a condition that happens when one first arrives in the land of Cocc, especially in the land of Er."
"That's right," continued Mmnuke, "Being dink is a terrible thing."
"For sure," chimed Icnuke, "No movie, no racktime, and no liberty. Ewwwww." Icnuke started shuddering.
Etnuke began again, "And checkouts are what subkins like us need to get to get rid of the condition of dink."
"Yes," said Mmnuke, "checkouts consist of things like jumping required heights or finding sundry things for the various wizards in the land of Cocc."
Icnuke added, "If the wizards think that you've performed admirably enough, they bless your card; with enough blessings one can become qualified!" All three showed the fox the pieces of paper they had.
Way too complicated thought the fox - I guess I won't ask that again. "Umm, ahh, ya ya I get it." he said, even though he didn't. His head hurt worse now. That reminded him of something.
"You don't sing, do you Icnuke?" asked the fox.
"No, I really don't feel like it now. You see, my chiefy says I have no butt."
"Gee, that's rough," said Etnuke, "and I have no brain."
"And I no talent." added Mmnuke.
"And I just want to get the hell out of this fucking loony bin." interjected the fox, trying to keep the priorities straight. "We're going to see this Cob of the Cocc fella." showing Icnuke the fuckbook.
"My goodness gracious sakes alive and a half PLUS!" blurted Icnuke, eyes agog. "If anybody can get me a butt, it's the Cob of the Cocc. May I please join all of you?"
In for a penny, in for a pound thought the fox. "Ya ya, sure eh. No singing, though."
"No problem there," replied Icnuke, "Let's rock!"
And this they did, proceeding in their semi-merry way on down the yellow-gilt deckplating.
IV
It was some time later when the fox noticed his stomach growling. He stopped the group. "Say, fellas, before I ran into you dirtballs the other subkins told me something about a 'Galley-land' where I could get something to eat. How much further is it, do you know?"
"Why, tis not far from here," said Icnuke, "I'm a little hungry too."
"So am I." said Etnuke and Mmnuke in unison.
"Ya ya, then we'll stop in this Galley-land long enough to eat before we continue to see the Cob of the Cocc, eh." said the fox assertively. "By the way, what's this place like?"
"Oh, it's a wonderful place." replied Mmnuke, "It has a magic aura that keeps the evil wizards away. We'll be safe from them there while we eat."
"Sounds good to me." said the fox.
Shortly thereafter the fox knew they were getting close to Gally-land - he could smell the food. Maybe eating will get rid of this damn headache he thought.
They went around one bend and then another. "This is Galley-land." said Etnuke. The fox noticed that it was a rather large place with many platforms that held food. There were lower platforms that about a dozen subkins were resting thier hindquarters on while they used their forepaws to put food in their mouths. Etnuke, Mmnuke, and Icnuke all did likewise, and the fox noticed another subkin that brought food out and placed it on the platforms. That must be the cook thought the fox, and he recalled what the land of Er subkins had told him. He placed himself squarely in front of the cook and whipped out the AssMasters magazine.
"What have we here?" asked the cook. "You must be on your way to see the Cob of the Cocc. What can I do for you?"
"Well, twinkletoes, I'm pretty hungry right now. I was told that you could set me up with some food, eh."
"That's what I'm here for," replied the cook, "What would you like to eat?"
"Got any chickens?" asked the fox.
"Well, now, I don't have any chickens, but I can whip you up a chicken-salad sandwich in no time at all."
Close enough thought the fox. "Sure, eh."
The cook disappeared for a moment and returned with a round, flat object in his forepaws. This he placed down on the deck in front of the fox. There was something on the object, and the fox sniffed at it. It smelled like food, so he took a bite. Tastes pretty good he thought, and, with a few more bites he ate it all up.
No longer hungry, he figured he better gather up the three Bozos and get a move on. Looking up, he noticed that they were also finished eating. "You schmucks ready to get going, eh?" he asked.
All three nodded. "Lead on, Fox." Etnuke belched.
The fox looked down at the deckplating, found the yellow-gilt markings, and moseyed on down in the opposite direction that they had come. Icnuke, Mmnuke, and Etnuke followed close behind.
The fox noticed that he still had his headache, but he was glad that he was no longer hungry.
They had travelled no small distance down the yellow-gilt deckplating when Icnuke said, "We're getting close to the land of Goat, now."
"Indeed," continued Mmnuke, "we best watch out for the wizard Bullnuke - he controls access to the land of Goat."
Just then, as the fox looked ahead, he saw that the yellow-gilt deckplating led to what looked like a blocked cave entrance. In front of the blockage stood a creature that looked more like a real-sized human than the other subkins. The fox also noted that this one was brown, except for it's head and paws, the hind ones being white. And, unlike all the other subkins he'd seen so far, this one had hair on the lower part of his snout. In its right forepaw, it had a round thing that, from appearances, it was periodically sipping some kind of hot liquid from. The creature looked up and saw them.
"HALT!!," it roared, "WHO DARES APPROACH THE LAND OF GOAT IN SUCH A BRAZEN MANNER!!?? NO ONE MAY ENTER THE LAND OF GOAT WITHOUT MY EXPRESS WRITTEN SAY-SO!!!" it's face contorting wildly and eyes bulging.
"It's the wizard Bullnuke." whispered Etnuke before fainting dead-away. The fox noted that the other two had also hit the deck in fear. He was on his own, and began to realize he was a bit out of his league here. Then, the wizard Bullnuke began to stomp his way towards them, looking and sounding as fearsome as anything the fox had seen since the tornado. The fox began to backtrack trepidatiously but bumped into Icnuke's inert body, causing the magazine to fall to the deck in front of him.
"WHY, IF ANY OF YOU ARE DINK, I'LL, um, er, what's this?" the wizard Bullnuke bent to pick up the issue of AssMasters. Then, he looked at the fox, considerably calmer now. "Where did you get this?" he asked, beginning to page through it. The fox noticed him start to salivate heavily.
"Umm, ahh, well -" the fox started.
"Why, this is a special annual double issue available by subscription only copy of AssMasters magazine!" the wizard Bullnuke answered himself. "There was but one owner of such in all of the land of Cocc - the evil Eoow of Er. He would never give this up unless he was dead!" He looked at the fox, "Is that so, is he really dead?"
Whew, that was close thought the fox. Then he answered, "Ya ya, dead'r 'n a ding-dong doorknob, eh." playing it to the hilt. He saw Etnuke, Icnuke, and Mmnuke come to and begin to stand up.
"You must be a great and powerful wizard, then. What is your name?" the wizard Bullnuke's tone was more respectful now.
"Fox."
"Well, wizard Fox, you are welcome in the land of Goat. Who are the others with you?" the wizard Bullnuke eyed the subkins suspiciously.
"Etnuke, Mmnuke, and Icnuke." replied the fox, "We're here to see the Cob of the Cocc."
"Why yes, the Cob of the Cocc will need to know of the evil Eoow of Er's death." he handed the magazine back to the fox. Then he stepped aside, opening the blockage to the land of Goat. The fox noticed that the yellow path ended there. "You may enter the land of Goat now."
"Ya ya, thanks, eh." said the fox. Etnuke, Mmnuke, and Icnuke seemed to have recovered well, but all three were still trembling as the fox led the way into the land of Goat.
V
To the fox, the land of Goat seemed a dark and forbidding place, compared to the rest of the land of Cocc he'd seen so far. He could hardly see his forepaws beneath him. Off to his left, he could barely discern a large round thing that made a bubbling, gurgling kind of sound. The whole place smelled funny. The fox still had his headache, and he wondered how he was going to find the Cob of the Cocc in all this darkness. He could hear Etnuke, Mmnuke, and Icnuke behind him and was about to ask one of them what the fuck when a voice boomed out of the darkness in front of him.
"WHO DARES DISTURB THE RACKTIME OF THE COB OF THE COCC??!!"
Bingo! thought the fox, even as he heard his chump-change companions faint and fall to the deck once again. He heard a soft click and suddenly the darkness faded a bit. In front of him, sitting on it's hindquarters on some sort of soft-looking platform was a creature that looked very much like the wizard Bullnuke. There were small differences - this one had a larger round object in his right forepaw and had hair underneath his mouth as well as under his snout. It also seemed a bit larger and more frightening than the wizard Bullnuke.
"Are you the Cob of the Cocc?" asked the fox, just to be sure.
"OF COURSE I'M THE COB OF THE COCC!!" growled the Cob of the Cocc, as he leaned closer to the fox, "I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, WHO ARE YOU??!!"
"I'm the 'wizard' Fox; ahh, umm, here, eh." and he handed the Cob of the Cocc the special periodical.
As if to roar yet again, the Cob of the Cocc had taken a deep breath; but, as he opened the AssMasters magazine he let out a soft, low whistle. He looked at the fox, his tone and manner softening.
"Where did you get this?" he asked.
"From the evil Eoow of Er. I ahh, umm, well, I killed the dinglenuts, eh." The fox noticed Etnuke, Mmnuke, and Icnuke beginning to stir.
Looking back and forth between the fox and the fuckbook, the Cob of the Cocc said, "That must be true. The evil Eoow of Er would never have parted with this unless he was dead. I take it that I can keep this?"
"Ya ya, sure, eh." replied the fox.
"Why, thank you wizard Fox. Not only does this complete my collection, but the news of the evil Eoow of the Er's death is quite welcome to my ears." The Cob of the Cocc placed the magazine underneath a soft, fluffy thing on his left. "Are these three with you?" he asked, indicating Mmnuke, Etnuke, and Icnuke, who were now standing.
"Ya ya, pretty much, eh." answered the fox. "This is Icnuke, Etnuke, and Mmnuke." he continued, indicating each in turn.
Removing himself from the platform, the Cob of the Cocc stood up and walked over to the round, bubbling thing, placing the round object in his forepaw underneath some sort of orifice. A brown, aromatic liquid poured from the bubbling thing into the other round thing. The fox noted that that was what the funny smell was. The Cob of the Cocc took a sip and then addressed the fox and his companions.
"The whole of the land of Cocc is grateful to you for saving them from the evil Eoow of Er. I, myself, am quite happy to recieve your gift of this most excellent reading material. Tell me now, each of you, what can the Cob of the Cocc do for you?"
The first to speak was Mmnuke, "Oh great and wonderful Cob of the Cocc, if you could help me I would be most grateful. You see, my chiefy says that I have no talent."
"No talent, hmmmm." said the Cob of the Cocc. "I think I can help you there, come here and turn around for a minute."
Mmnuke did so, and the Cob of the Cocc promptly kicked him in the rear, sending him nearly across the whole of the land of Goat.
"OOOOWWWEEEOWEEEEEEOWWWEEE!!!" shrieked Mmnuke as he restood, rubbing his posterior.
"Like music to my ears." said the Cob of the Cocc.
"Music?" said Mmnuke, "You, you mean I have talent now?"
"Yes, indeed." replied the Cob of the Cocc.
"Why, thank you most graciously, Cob of the Cocc!!" said Mmnuke, smiling proudly.
"Twas nothing. Now back to the land of Er for you."
As Mmnuke was leaving, Icnuke spoke up, "Oh most powerful of wizards Cob of the Cocc, my chiefy says that I have no butt. Is there anything you can do to help me? I would be most appreciative."
"No butt, hmmmm," the Cob of the Cocc took another sip. "Yes, I think I can help you too. Come here and turn around."
Icnuke did so, and, like Mmnuke, the Cob of the Cocc kicked him in the tush, sending him only a little farther than he sent Mmnuke.
"Eyowch!!" screeched Icnuke, "That hurt!" He restood began rubbing his lower backside.
"I don't believe you," smiled the Cob of the Cocc, "where does it hurt?"
"Why, my whole butt is sore!!" said Icnuke, who then blinked a few times, realizing what he had said. "Wh-wh-why, thank you most kindly, Cob of the Cocc!" as his face broke into a very large smile.
"Again, twas nothing. Now back to the land of Er for you."
After Icnuke left, Etnuke started, "Oh kind and generous Cob of the Cocc, my chiefy says that I have no brain. If there is anything at all you could do to help me, it would be enourmously welcome."
"No brain, hmmmm," the Cob of the Cocc took yet another sip, "Yes, I think that I can help you, too. Come here and turn around."
As Etnuke did so, the Cob of the Cocc once again delivered a kick that sent him flying.
"Ow ow ow!" shouted Etnuke, "that hurt!"
"Didn't hurt me any." replied the Cob of the Cocc, "Come here so I can do that again."
"Fuck you Cob of the Cocc!" said Etnuke as he stood, rubbing his ass.
"See there, you've got half a brain already." said the Cob of the Cocc.
Etnuke blinked twice, "Why, I've never thought of it that way before."
"There's the other half." smiled the Cob of the Cocc.
"I truly thank you most graciously, Cob of the Cocc!" said Etnuke, beaming.
"Once again, twas nothing. Now back to the land of Er for you."
When Etnuke had left, the Cob of the Cocc turned to the fox. "And what can I do for you, wizard Fox?"
The fox thought for a few seconds and began, "Well, you see, Cob of the Cocc, it's like this. I'm not from this here land of Cocc. I don't quite understand how it happened, but I wound up here accidently. I live in a place called Minnesota, and I was wondering if you might be able to help me get back home, eh. You're not gonna kick me, are you?" he added, keeping his rear end well away from the Cob of the Cocc's volatile hindpaws. The fox still had his headache and felt he didn't need any more pain.
"All of the residents of the land of Cocc need a kick in the rear, now and again, for general good health." replied the Cob of the Cocc, "But, as you say, you're not from the land of Cocc. Wizard Fox, your situation is something that I've never dealt with before. This will require a few minutes of thought." he took a few more sips, obviously thinking hard. His eyes moved round and round. "Hmmm, hmmm, hm- " then he smiled, "yes, yes, I think I can help you Wizard Fox. Can you jump?"
"Ya ya, sure, eh, I consider myself rather good at it."
"How high? Can you jump up to here?" the Cob of the Cocc held his left forepaw up to his neck.
"Ya ya, sure, no sweat, eh." replied the fox.
"To here?" the Cob of the Cocc raised the paw over his head.
The fox nodded, wondering where this was leading.
"Higher?" asked the Cob of the Cocc.
"Well, now, I don't quite know, ya know, I haven't really tried; but I think so, eh."
"Here now, why don't you show me. Jump as high as you can."
Better 'n a kick in the ass, thought the fox. He backed up a few steps, mustered all the strength he had, took a small bound forward, and launched himself into the air. He was still going up when he felt his head strike something hard, and the last thing he saw was the Cob of the Cocc looking up at him and smiling.
VI
"Wake up, wake up!" the fox was being shaken.
"Hnnnnn, uhh, whaa, what?" the fox spoke as he opened his eyes. He felt himself lying down on the ground.
"Wake- oh, yes, there ya go." the shaking stopped. "You had me worried there for a minute, eh."
It was his bud!
"Bud! Goddamn! I thought fore sure you was a goner, what with the tornado-"
"What tornado? What the fuck are talking about, eh?" his bud interrupted.
The fox shook his head a little to clear it, then tried to stand up. He did, but he was a little wobbly, and his head still hurt. "What the hell happened?" he asked his bud.
"Damndest thing I ever saw." explained his bud, "You've seen how those human roadkill machines sometimes spit out rocks, haven't you?"
The fox nodded, slowly becoming less wobbly.
"Well, you and me were just standing there, and I just happened to turn and look as one of them did that - the friggen rock smacked you right on the noggin! Knocked you out pronto. I'd never seen anything like it. Here -" his bud reached a forepaw up and touched the fox right behind his left ear, "gave you quite the goose-egg, eh!"
"Eyowch!" exclaimed the fox, quickly brushing his bud's paw away from his head. That explains the headache and everything else, thought the fox. "How long was I out?"
"Oh, not too long. You did have me worried, though." said his bud. He paused, then continued, "You musta been dreaming - tell me about it."
"You don't wanna know, eh."
"Ya ya, I understand. You're looking a lot better now - howzabout we hunt us up a chicken or two, eh?"
The fox felt his head getting better by the minute, and he was a bit hungry. "Sure, bud, let's go."
As they made their way through the tall grass towards the nearest farm, the fox noticed the tops of the grass swaying lazily in the breeze. Above that was the blue sky with a few pretty white clouds. The air smelled sweet, and the Minnesota soil felt good underneath his paws. It's good to be home, thought the fox.
THE END
Labels: Humor, Minnesota, submarines
